Dearest Misery,

what’s the point in having a tumblr i never get on?

maybe I’ll try to in the next week or so…maybe. If I’m motivated enough…

*sigh*

So, I didn’t have access to internet for a few days…and suddenly my tumblr is covered in spam… :( I’m sorry guys. My apologies. No idea how that happened. Super busy but will post something more interesting when I can xP

<3

Well, looks like I’m going to be homeless here in a bit… So, I’ve been working on selling most everything I can to have at least a little bit of cash. Most of it is going to go towards paying off my student loans though. *sigh* this is stressful. Oh well. I’m thankful that I at least have a little bit of time to get my shit together. Some people its just like BAM! You’re homeless.

timehealsnothing24 asked: I think you're a really strong person. Chin up, beautiful. xo

Thank you so much! Your support means so much to me <3 

indefectiblebeauty asked: You're awesome & I loved your butterflies!

Aww thank you! This project really is amazing… I’ve known about it for a while but never tried it. I’ve felt very at peace since drawing them and feel like this is really going to help me stop. Thank you for your support! <3

Someone reblogged my picture of my butterflies almost right away… I didn’t realize anyone even really noticed my tumblr….I feel…I don’t know. Noticed. Supported.

Thank you. I needed that.

<3

I have nothing to do and nowhere to go…as of right now, my future is bleak. Empty. If I don’t get financial aid for next semester I’m screwed. I have no job, nowhere to live, nothing… If only I hadn’t missed so many days last semester….stupid lack of motivation. Well, my back-up plan is to sell most everything I own to pay off loans from this semester, then go be homeless somewhere warm..hows the weather in Cali?

Can anyone give me some hope please? Even if it’s just to borrow for while? I desperately need some..

I didn’t sleep last night..insomnia + a horrible cough and runny nose? Yea there was no way. Oh well. Another night slips by….I keep on being alive. And I will survive.

<3 keep pushing on <3

Sleep…

Oh how I miss thee…..

I need to stop cutting…I am so terribly self conscious about my scars… I do whatever I can to hide them. That’s why I usually cut on my thighs…but in my last couple moments of weakness the urge came far too fast for me to even think a little bit about the “best way” to do it. If there is one that is. I suppose cutting was better than jumping off the parking deck I was sitting on top of though… The parking deck is my happy place. I go there to sit, people-watch, and dream…. But now I have contaminated it with my stupidity. *sigh* Sometimes, I just wish I could curl up and die…. But other times I realize, that’s not really what I want; I just want to be happy. Not just in-the-moment-happy though… Really and truly 100% happy… No sadness, depression, hurt, or fear. Just that innocent happiness one has as a child. The whole life is good mindset. That is what I want.

How can I get that back?

Help me.

Dearest Misery, just fuck off…

Well, here it goes… I’ve never done much with the blogging thing or social media or whatever… But I’ve been struggling a lot lately and I was thinking that maybe this kind of thing would help. Ya know, I talk about life, my problems, etc…and complete and total strangers talk to me. I don’t have to worry about people judging me or anything, because no one knows who I really am. I could be some old lady who lives in Antarctica and eats penguins…wait, scratch that, I’m a vegetarian…and I’m sure I’ll be mentioning that at some point and then I’d be caught in a lie. I don’t like lying.

Well, as you can probably tell from the name of my blog and from my picture….I have some issues. (don’t we all?)

Just to get these out of the way, these are my diagnosed disorders:

ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder

BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder

GAD: Generalized Anxiety Disorder

MDD: Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression)

PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Not too bad right? I mean, atleast I’m alive. I am on no medications for any of these..even after many psychiatrists and various doctors have pushed me to take their stupid drugs. I have seen all the stupid fucking side effects that all these government-money-makers have caused. I don’t want that. I have a hard enough time as it is. My medicine is rollerblading and chocolate…I couldn’t survive without those.

I have struggled with self-harm for almost 4 years now. I have tried to stop on many occasions. I think I am doing so great then- my best friend dies….or my (now ex) gets pissed and drives the car into a tree….or my dad loses his job…. And I start yet again. It’s a vicious cycle. Just like the vicious cycle of depression….I’m depressed so I can’t sleep much…The lack of sleep weakens my immune system…Being sick makes it harder to sleep and makes me feel even shittier…worsening my depression….and so on and so forth. So many endless cycles. That’s all life is. You wake up to go to work/school, come home, go to sleep, and do it all over again. What’s the point?

Anyways, this is me, this is my blog. Just me and my pathetic misery.

Enjoy!